Thursday, June 6, 2013

Friday: More on the Passion for painting...

Here is the mostly (deja vue) finalized self portrait.   Once again I'm limited in time so I have to scribble down this entry and run.
Lately I'm wondering how committed I actually am to my art.  I'll let a painting sit for weeks without doing much of anything to it, even though I feel drawn to act.  I think at this point a full time artist would classify me as a hobbyist.  It is probably not fair to those who work every day of their lives to create works of art if I call myself an Artist.  But I will admit that I do consider myself an artist...only I am not full time.  This is  somewhat like golf, which by the way has been competing for my time.  I am a golfer, but I don't spend every day golfing.
 Some people spend their entire lives devoted to creating fine works of art without regard to fame or money. They have a passion for it.  They are driven towards the goal of creating something great.
I don't see myself as ever making the jump to the "devotion at all costs status".  Firstly,  I need a certain amount of money to be comfortable.  Not a lot, but enough to pay bills, feed myself and do what I want without a ton of worry.  I decided this years ago.  I did not like the idea of being a starving artist.  The bitter, melancholy type who spurns the "dominant paradigm". Secondly, I like doing other things with my time.  I like having variety in my life.  That includes ridiculous things like chasing a little white ball around a well- groomed pasture and knocking it into a little hole.
Ultimately, my goal is to become a full-time artist  when I retire.  I know creating art is in my blood.  And that need to create will never go away.  I have been given that gift and I can't squander it.
   So even though I haven't been acting on my instincts to paint lately, they are there. They are there every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed.
So I am asking myself today.  Does this instinct qualify as passion if I don't find time to act on it?  And at this point, looking at the question typed out in front of me, the answer I hear  And the word 'squander' pops into my head.  More later.
What, this again?  About time...
So here it is Friday, a day after that above post.  I want to be clear that I wasn't looking for encouragement or advice when I posted that information, although I do appreciate those things.
Years ago I had a problem getting to work on time.  I would get there and tell my friend and co-worker why I was late and apologize.  Finally one day he said something  that has stuck with me to this day.  "Kevin, I don't want to hear any of your bull-s--t excuses".  We are friends to this day.  It took me awhile to come around, but I eventually figured out how to get to work on time.
Years before, someone used the old expression "excuses are like (you know whats), everyone has one".  That has also stuck with me.  No one really wants to hear your excuses.  Either do it or don't.
I know that I procrastinate.  I get easily side-tracked.  So when I looked at the painting yesterday, I had to be honest with myself.  Why has it taken so long to finish this?  Yes, it was important to take my time, but I could have had this done weeks ago had I set aside a small amount of time.  So I have to evaluate how much time I have to dedicate to what I love doing.  Because no one knows how much time is left.  And I have many more paintings left to do.
Some of  the concerns I have when I do have the opportunity to paint full-time.  Will it dog me?  Will I feel pressed to get something done? How can I schedule my creativity?  I don't want this to feel like a job. 
That's enough for today.  I have to start the next painting.